Askam has a distinguished cultural history. In the 1970s, it was the setting for black-and-white, art-house erotica films such as Animal Farm, Show Us Your Hoad, Dirty Haematites, and Shooting Duddons Don’t Bother Me Baby. Dedicating their lives to their art and shunning the shallowness of the celebrity lifestyle, Askamite actors would disguise themselves by wearing aviator sunglasses and sporting extensive Judiths.
Those days have gone. Now it’s the turn of sport. Historically, Askam United have been shit. But now, under prodigious youth team boy-coach, Ben Shirley, 13, they have climbed to second place in the West Lancs League Division 2, only three points behind the mighty Furness Cavs to whom they narrowly lost thanks to a Kyle Delves wonder goal. But such has been their confidence this season that they even challenged Walney to a Twitter war after – and in language complementing their raunchy grumble history – they pissed all over them. Confidence has transferred to the football pitch, including an mesmerising 3-1 win over Haslingden St Mary’s, wherever that is.
Rumours: There are worries that Shirley has not fully made the transition to open age. Players were puzzled when he said anyone could come to him if they were struggling with GCSEs or were starting to find themselves craving some flange but didn’t know what to do.
After Haslingden St Mary’s got two players sent off, the West Lancs League Corruption Unit are thought to be considering a full investigation into the behaviour of Askam staff and players deliberately getting the opposition sent off. A “close pal” of HStM claimed Askam players were whispering into the ears of opposing players that they’d been treated to a “hamburger shot” of a given player’s mother/sister, or full “quarter-pounder shot” of a given player’s brother/father. If true, it would seem that you can take the Askamite out of the jazz trade but not the jazz trade out of the Askamite!
Key players: Mike Thompson, Mike Platt, King Dong, Robin Asquith, Warren Smithson
Fun fact: To celebrate their cultural heritage, the famously unkempt Duddon Road pitch is, in fact, the exact length of the average pubic hair (fully stretched out) of a 1970s Askam bongo flick actor.
Key quote: “Hopefully, we can get off to a good start” (Ben Shirley)